In a message dated 27/12/2005 14:24:08 GMT Standard Time, Racadmos
writes:
TO: All Employees
DATE:1st December, 2005
RE:
Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas
Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of
drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Chief shows up dressed as
Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for Chester House! The Chief will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your
family.
Patty
******************************
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd December,
2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended
to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an
important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from
now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your
family.
Patty
******************************
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3rd December,
2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You
didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? "Somebody?"
Forget about
the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union
members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a
little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.
Patty
******************************
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Head of HR
To: All Employees
DATE: 4th December,
2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no
idea about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To
the person asking permission to cross dress, yes, this is
allowed.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to
taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss
anything?!?!?
Patty
******************************
FROM:
Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 5th
December, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr**ks
- I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday! Drive, drunk and die.
The B**** from
H***!!!!!!!!
******************************
FROM: Joan Bishop,
Acting Head of HR
DATE: 6th December, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and
Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty
Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy
Holidays!
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